Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I stand alone...

I live in your presence,
you feel it not,
I drink in your words,
you know it not,
I sway by your whims,
you realise not,
I am left out in the cold,
nobody to stand by me,
I stand alone...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The November Mist

I strive to see the way ahead,
The mist is all around me,
Chilling me to the bones,
I pull my cloak closer around,
My legs seem to falter,
My soul seems so lost…
I strive to see the world ahead,
Thoughts of you cloud my heart,
Sending spasms of pain through my existence,
I try to take comfort in me,
My solitude;
I can bear no more,
Tears gather in my eyes,
Every drop that falls,
Reflecting the mist within,
Blending with the one around…

Inspired by the poem ‘Vigil’.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Wish...

I wish………..
I had someone next to me,
With whom I could just be myself……
Every time I see a rainwater puddle,
We jump in together, at the same time,
At the exchange of a single glance…

Every time there’s a new movie release,
We run to buy tickets, instinctively,
We whistle together, we cheer, cry and complain…
Everything together, every moment…

We eat together, we laugh together,
No invitations, no formalities, just being transparent…
When tired, a lending shoulder, a soothing word…
We tease, we make fun,
But when there’s a glint of a tear in any eye,
A comfortable hug around…

We run around for different activities,
Not because we may get a reward,
But because they give us a chance to be together…

We jump at every chance to have fun, to travel together,
Never tired of each other’s company…

Is all this too much to ask for?
I wonder “Am I wrong, Or am I in the wrong place???!!!”:’(

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

thoughts... waves... words...

It’s not an attraction of the body,
Or the mind,
It’s an attraction between thoughts,
I feel you in my heart,
Your thoughts resonate,
They are the heartbeats I hear,
It was when I saw,
Your words on that page,
That I believed in waves,
Thoughts can get transformed into words,
But my thoughts into your words???

There are two kinds of people, you said,
The logical Classic, The unreasoning Romantic,
I have wondered ever from that day,
How can a calculative Classic ever gain pure happiness,
Over a passionate romantic?
For a classic lives his mind,
A romantic lives his heart…
You called me the latter, unknowingly,
Till then I never was,
But since that day I ever wish,
If I ever actually dared to be a romantic,
My task would be to leave all and seek you,
There was a day when you,
Actually asked me in enciphered text,
If I was infatuated with you,
Bold girl I was, Honestly I replied,
Words connected us, not love,
Dumb I was, I failed to realise,
Words are thoughts, thoughts are love,
Now I know, I hope I’m not too late,
I insist not you live with me,
Wherever we are words will connect,
A few interactions with you,
I lived through these years,
A day with you, Imagine,
Would come with me for the rest of my life…

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Rainbow

I see not the red sunrise,
I see not the lush greens,
The lily is drained of its blue,
I see no colour or hue,
For I am colour-blind,
When my friends rush,
To view the sky in its blush,
When people move out and flock,
To behold the angel’s arch,
Up in the sky, “It looks so cute”,
I feel “God’s so brute”
“The world’s a splash of colours”, they say,
“Can you describe red, blue and grey?”
For the blind man on the road they care,
“This colour doesn’t suit you”, they declare,
I feel caught in fate’s snare…
I may fail to see the shades in clothes,
And the ravishing hues of nature’s furore,
Though I see the forms all black & white,
I fail not to realise that sight,
Is beyond the tint on the dress we wear,
Expressions, moods, a look, a glare,
In gratitude, “Oh God”, I bow,
You made me realise the worth,
Of an eye to see and a heart to touch.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I Miss You

I stand at the doorstep,
Looking at the path that directed you,
Away from me…
When I open the window every morning,
I feel a whiff of your breath,
It’s the cool, spring breeze…
I feel your touch on my skin,
When I walk in the garden,
Oh! Its only a new blossom…
When I walk down the road,
I hear the ringing of your laughter,
Its just the distant chime of Church bells…
I sleep not at night, I feel cold,
No expensive quilt can replace the warmth,
Of your arms around me,
I eat not, I am ever hungry,
For your passionate talks at the table,
I drink not, I remain thirsty,
For your honeysweet kisses, On my lips….
I live not, I just survive,
For you took my soul with you,
When you went down that path,
Away from me…

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Love or Lust?

LOVE OR LUST???
“So what if I’m your wife?” she teased. “I’m not dependent on you for anything- food, clothing, shelter. We just share a mutual agreement. You cannot force your wishes on me; I can walk away from you anytime I want, you get that?” She was walking away from him towards the pine forest. Her sarcastic remark rang in his ears. The whole world seemed to be spinning around him. Everything blurred out around him for a moment, but her voice continued to ring in his ears… “No, I can’t let her go. Would she leave me? Anything to prevent her from doing that… ANYTHING…”
All of a sudden, the world around him became crystal clear, his vision sharpened and he could see her clearly, 100 m ahead of him, running into the pine forest, still laughing. In the twilight, he could see her twinkling eyes as they teased him, her face as it gave him an arrogant sneer. His mouth curved into a malicious smile. His body bent forward and in a fraction of a second he set upon her. Within a few seconds, he caught up with her. The next instant, her body throbbed helplessly in his hands, as he imprisoned her within his embrace. She struggled nervously against his might, but he proved too strong for her.
“Rishi, come to your senses… Do you realise that you are crushing me? You very well know I was just joking…” Her words had the effect of a rubber ball on a concrete wall, the ball rebounding with the impact of its own action as the wall remains stubborn and unmoved.
He slapped her across her face and pushed her to the ground. Before she could react, he was completely upon her, pinning her to the ground completely. He ripped away her clothes, down to the last. Even as she wailed, he forced himself into her and took her completely.
Night set in. The breeze through the pinecones swept away the last bit of her struggle. His breathing was still heavy. She was hardly breathing. As she lay there in a semi conscious state, he collected her clothes and walked off in the direction of their villa.
She felt all this could be a dream, but the pain cutting through her body indicated otherwise. Her mind had been numbed for sometime, but as the realisation dawned upon her, she was struck by a hurricane of emotions- shame, embarrassment, dejection, distrust, insecurity, hatred, anger. It was her own husband who had done this to her… someone she loved and trusted completely. But why? Did he not like her? Had she been too rude to him? He hadn’t bothered to leave behind a single cloth to cover her cold body. The pain in her mind far exceeded that in her violated body. Tears welled up in her eyes. Unanswered questions echoed in her mind. She curled herself against the cold world and wept bitterly.
Rishi reached the villa, carrying her clothes. He threw himself on the sofa in the living room and smiled, contented. “The bloody bitch! Does she think I’m so na├»ve that I would let go of an open challenge to my manhood? Ha, let her suffer, she asked for it. But that’s exactly what I love you for, my princess, your arrogance!! The only girl who dares to challenge me, in spite of knowing that I would make you suffer if I won, which is the case most of the time. I really love you so much for that, but today you provoked me too much… suffer now…
“I’m going to watch TV’, he said out aloud.
An hour or so passed. Out there, she was suffering in the cold. She made a determined attempt at getting up and succeeded. She didn’t know where she wanted to go, not to the villa, of course, but where else? She didn’t want to stand so exposed in that alien forest. She wanted cover. Eyes seemed to lurk in the shadows. Nature itself seemed hostile to her. Her own Rishi had done this to her, how could she expect anyone else to even bother? Tears welled up again and blurred even the minimal sight she had in the darkness. She leaned on the nearest tree trunk for support and cried against it. Suddenly, she felt a movement in the nearest bush and before she knew anything, a blanket was over her and wrapped her completely. “Stop it, Stop!, she screamed and struggled. “Oh come on, my dear tigress, you are still sooo hot. Let’s go home.” That is Rishi’s voice, she thought. On hearing his voice, she struggled even more. Without giving a damn, he just propelled her onto his shoulders and started walking.
How dare he talk so normally as if nothing had happened? Since when had he grown so self-sufficient that others’ feelings and emotions failed to have any impact upon him? How could I even let him touch me after all this? Just as she got these thoughts in her mind, she struggled more fiercely. She couldn’t even move her arms and legs, the blanket was tight around her. “Stop struggling like a kid; very angry, huh? I understand. That was a miserable defeat, but I must say that you put up a good fight, princess, really impressive.”
“Impressive fight?? You’ve ruined the life out of me”, she thought, “I feel wrecked, lifeless, hopeless…” tears poured out and wet the blanket.
He carried her back to the villa effortlessly in a few minutes, but those few minutes hosted on his shoulders felt like eons to her.
She felt him place her on something soft, probably a bed. She didn’t want to come out of the blanket and face him. She felt the lights turned on around her and made no attempt at getting out of the blanket, her last resort from him. But he was already tugging at the blanket, which unfaithfully responded to his strength leaving her completely exposed to his ruthless, piercing eyes.
She immediately moved to a corner of the bed and curled herself up hiding her face between her drawn up legs. He jumped onto the bed and came close to her. Lifting her face, he whispered, “Accepting defeat, huh? You said you were not tied to me in any way and could leave me whenever you wish. What do you say now?” he gave a cynical laugh. “You’re always mine, darling. Never try to escape from me. And now be a good wife and treat your husband on his success.” Saying so, he pulled her towards him and tried to take her again. This time she struggled really hard and releasing herself, she fell on the floor. She was bleeding near her abdomen. The buckle of his belt had hurt her badly.
He jumped onto the floor to catch hold of her. As he held her, he felt the hot, sticky liquid at her side. “Oh my God! Sara, you’re bleeding. Shit! I hurt you. Why didn’t you stop me?” He paused. “But how could you have, I had put my mind to hurting you.” His words were lost on her. The evening’s struggle had disturbed her too much and she fainted in his arms.
“Sara, Sara”, he tried to recall her, but she was completely gone. He lifted her and laid her on the bed. He fetched a first aid kit from the cupboard and cleaned the cut. She winced as he touched the wound with tincture. “Sara, believe me, I won’t trouble you anymore”, he said in a mellow tone and looked at her innocently. “I don’t know how why I always end up hurting people I love.” As he dressed her wound, she came back to her senses. The sight of him so close was nauseating for her.
“What more do you want from me? You make me feel like a whore, just to be tossed about and used at your own disposal. Leave me alone. I can’t stand it anymore. For Heaven’s sake, I don’t want to look at your face.” Saying so, she choked in tears.
“Let me dress up your wound and I’ll go out”, he said. As he finished cleaning the wound, he thought he should just wipe her body with wet cloth. It was soiled in several places. So he got some water and a soft cotton cloth. As he took her hand in his, he found her shivering. Her whole body trembled as if a powerful quake were shaking her. “Sara, what’s wrong Sara? Sara??” She was not listening. “It must be the chill”, he thought. He tried to pull the blanket close over her, but she continued trembling. “Well, then there’s only one way”, saying so, he slipped into the blanket next to her and pulled her into his embrace, close to his chest. She felt his body completely wrapped around her but she hardly had energy to open her eyes.
He held her close enough so that heat from his body could keep her warm. He felt her body relax after the initial struggle. Her breathing returned to normal. She was sleeping. He kept looking at her for sometime. She looked so innocent and helpless. He felt reassured. She couldn’t leave him and go anywhere. She needed him so much, for everything, and now, so much more. Soon, he too closed his eyes and slept.
The next morning, Sara woke up and found Rishi sleeping next to her. He was still holding her tight and close to him, so close that she felt his breath on her hair. She might have almost smiled in pleasure had the pain in her abdomen not reminded her of all the incidents of the previous night. She was filled with remorse and disgust. She just wanted to escape, run away from his clutches. As she tried to move his hand away from her naked body, he woke up. “Sara, wait.” He tried to stop her, but this only encouraged to double her pace. She tried to move away, but he jumped forward and caught her wrist. He pulled her towards him with so much force that she nearly fell on him, just prevented by his quick effort to hold her. By this time, hot tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“Sara, stop crying.” She was still crying. “Will you stop crying and listen to me?”
She stopped abruptly and nearly choked on her tears. “I don’t understand what hurt you so much that you are still crying. The whole thing was just for fun. You were teasing me, so I teased you in return. That’s all. You are behaving as if I raped you.”
He looked straight at her. Her face was completely flushed, her hands were shaking and her lips quivered, but she did not cry. “I love you too much to ever force you into sex and I always thought you loved me too much to refuse me yourself when I felt like using you. Have I assumed anything wrong?”
She felt his gaze piercing into her, drilling into every atom, nook and corner of her presence. She turned cold. He was noticing every expression of hers. “What am I supposed to say?” , she thought. She looked at him from the corner of her eye. His eyes were intently fixed upon her.
“No”, she said. She was not looking at him. His muscles relaxed and slowly his mouth twitched into a smile. He hugged her tight. As she lay there, resting her face against his shoulders, she knew here was a man whom she couldn’t refuse, unless she was ready to pay the price- probably something close to her heart or even her own self.
She looked up once in an effort to seek the Almighty’s grace and lay back on his shoulders again.

Monday, January 4, 2010

forgiven not forgotten 2

Tamanna sped into the night. She would never have figured out the way to her house, had it not been for years of experience on those roads. Her mind was in an unsettling chaos. Scenes kept flipping in flashes across her mind; most of them carried Ryan as their subject. She felt unrest of the kind, which people felt only when they realised that their worst dreams were coming true. She turned a few corners and finally jammed into the driveway of her private residence. Within moments, she had found her way into her bedroom. She locked herself in and dropped on her bed. The scenes still played and replayed in her head. The touch of his hands on hers lingered. Her deepest desires that she had kept locked away, had been stirred. She could not bear herself to think that all that had taken him was a glance and a simple handshake to break the imaginary wall she had taken seven years to build around herself. She resented herself more than she had ever done before.
No one person had ever occupied Ryan’s thoughts completely since his mother’s death fifteen years back, at least not until tonight. He had always been used to being waited upon- the servants who cooked and served his food, the security who held the door open for him, the employees at his office, why, even successful entrepreneurs and big businessmen used to wait upon him. But today, a mere girl, in the infancy of her business career had made him wait upon her even as she drove past with formal courtesies, each of which had resonated with insult. She had attracted his attention in the crowd; all this had only made him want her even more. Want her, not so that he could impose his will on her, want her so that she would bend her will to attune to his. At any point, he would not command her to do anything, but he would reduce her to a position where she would succumb to his wishes without the need of him even expressing those.
But the moment he had thought of winning over her, he knew he had fallen into a trap. She had taken complete control of his thoughts and, he realised, very soon his actions too.
Inspite of this, he felt alive after a long time. A drive to achieve what he wanted had aroused the force within him. It gave a new sense of life, renewed in its vigour, virile in the challenge it posed.
For an instant, he closed his eyes; his face suddenly became solemn and he uttered one single word from his lips “Sorry.” And then he drowned himself in thoughts of her, again.